Trust in a relationship is very easy to lose – and no, it does not only happen in the case of 'cheating'. Many more factors can cause that. The question is, can trust be rebuilt? and if yes, under what conditions? As a therapist, I will try to explain how.
Let's start with a true story. With a couple who at some point in their life, they started experiencing 'trust issues'.
Jessica* and Nick* could both agree that they got married because they were very much in love. Their relationship was based on a mutual commitment to respect their need to focus on their careers. They had also jointly decided that they would move abroad at some point. At the same time, they both wanted to start a family at some point.
The couple lived abroad for years and Jess never wanted to move back. When Nick had the opportunity to take an important position in the UK, Jess agreed to return for three years. During those three years, Jess also gave birth to their child.
When the 'three years became five years, then seven, Jess filled every day with anger and the conflicts started becoming more and more dramatic. She could no longer trust Nick that they would return abroad. She was cancelling her partner and getting angry with whatever he did. There was no more intimacy, love or communication. When they eventually sought out for help they were both very hurt, unable to recognize the person they chose to be with.
What is trust in a relationship?
It is very common in clinical practice to see couples wanting to rebuild trust in their relationship and finding it very difficult to do so. It seems it's easier to lose trust in a relationship than to build it back up.
We are biologically hardwired to seek close emotional bonds and rely on trust to survive in life. Without trust in our close relationships, we literally cannot move forward. We need to get on this 'invisible train' of trust to work together, create families, and share responsibilities and burdens. Quite simply, we cannot live without the security of trust.
As mentioned earlier, the breach of trust does not come only in the case of infidelity; it can happen in many ways. It could be a series of broken promises, it could be alcohol abuse or gambling addiction. It may be a decision by one person in the relationship to dramatically change their lifestyle, accept a new job that changes their place of residence, etc. It can be a husband or wife changing their mind about whether they want children or not, whether they want to work or not.
The breach in trust comes when people break or can no longer uphold the 'implicit contracts', the unspoken agreements that brought them together in the first place.
So what happens then?
Not infrequently, the loss of trust within the intimate emotional relationship can drag the partners into a vicious cycle of pain, anger and distance. Often, the partner who feels betrayed is overwhelmed by anger, rage, fear and insecurity. These feelings lead to even more negative thoughts and a constant need to prove that our partner is untrustworthy.
Even the smallest mistake can become the cause of a fight. We blame the other person, ask for explanations, distance ourselves or build a wall of silence. Familiar communication channels are cancelled. The wound is such that the intimacy hurts unbearably.
The other partner no longer has the old ways of pursuing communication. They are constantly blamed, feeling helpless or defensive, or may go on the counterattack. They don't know how to approach their partner and stumble upon a closed door. Sometimes they feel that their deepest fears -that they are unlovable - are being confirmed.
How is trust rebuilt in the relationship?
The bottom line is that building trust involves both partners. It takes commitment and work from both. If both are not ready to work, then the chances of saving the relationship are slim; trust goes both ways.
The importance of consistency
One cannot demand trust; one must be able to function reliably and must be trustworthy. It is delusional to expect our partner to trust us when we are not ready to commit ourselves to consistent behaviour.
It is vital to know our personal limits, and what we can ultimately do. Many people commit themselves to a marriage or relationship, squashing their deepest needs. And, likely, such a balance will not be sustainable as the relationship progresses and changes. In this case, an honest attitude and an open conversation with our partner is needed. It is impossible to maintain a working relationship of trust when we do not know or ignore our boundaries or 'red lines'.
2. It is a long road
Healing emotional trauma is not a matter of a few days. Both partners need to know that it takes time and effort. It takes time to loosen the emotional knots that mask the genuine expression of emotion. People don't easily risk getting hurt again and that is why this approach takes time.
3. Recognizing the emotion
A key condition for trust to thrive again is for both partners to be able to recognize and accept what the other person is feeling. Denying the perspective and feelings of someone else, and underestimating the impact of one's behaviour, can sabotage any approach. We need reassurance that we are not instinctively at risk next to someone else.
Moreover, the partner who feels betrayed needs to accept that underneath the anger and rage, often lies deep pain and fear. This is the starting point to be able to start the journey and approach the other person again.
4. The relationship cannot be the same
Healing the wounds does not mean that the relationship will be as it was before. The two partners need to review how they operate in the relationship, see together what is no longer working from their original 'agreement' and recommit to the new way in which they will move forward together.
This does not mean that they 'forget', but it is important not to reopen the same wound now and then. It is much more important to acknowledge their feelings and invest time but also go through the various stages of healing to choose again if they want to be together.
5. Therapy can help
As in the case of Jess and Nick, the pain and distance between the partners can be such that they can't follow a path of healing on their own. Couples therapy (or individual for both) can help significantly, especially in cases where the tension and rupture in the relationship are significant. Therapy can provide that safe space where the two partners will reveal their deepest wounds and attempt a new approach.